Ben Affleck…Please Don’t Disappoint Me

batman-vs-superman

PM2:

Last night after watching The Amazing Spiderman, which, in my opinion, wasn’t so amazing. It sucked in comparison to the Toby Maguire version. Sam Raimi’s faithfulness to the comic book in the 2002 version was spot-on and Maguire’s portrayal of Spiderman in all his nerdiness was perfection. Although, Andrew Garfield is quite adorable, I couldn’t get past the fact that Maguire originally reprised the role and I loved it. (Okay…I realize The Amazing Spiderman came out in 2012 and I’m like a day late and a dollar short, but it was on HBO and it was Easter Sunday. Don’t expect too much from me.)

But none of this has to do with Andrew Garfield (adorbs) or Toby Maguire (best Spiderman. Ever.) or the fucking ramblings of my opinion on the Spiderman movies. Well, it sorta does. It’s what made me obsess for a full hour last night while trying to fall asleep.

While lying in bed with Hubs B, here’s the convo I had with him:

Me: I’m having anxiety about Ben Affleck playing Batman.

Hubs B: (Had it not been dark, I’m sure I would have seen him roll his eyes) You should. He’s gonna suck. Here’s the order of greatness, it’s like Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, Adam West, Christian Bale, George Clooney, the forty-seven creepy fucking Batmans in Times Square, then Ben Affleck.

Me: You’re horrible.

So, since I couldn’t engage Hubs B in a stimulating debate, I knew who would understand my fears. My girl PM1. J So I messaged her in the middle of the night with this:

What are your thoughts on Ben Affleck playing Batman? I loved, fucking loved Christian Bale as Batman and I’m super worried my boy Ben Affleck is going to bomb. Hubs B thinks I’m a moron… HELP!

PM1:

Ok first off, Hubs B has just made my next Face Punch List, for daring to suggest Ben Affleck is so far down the Batman greatness list. He’s also made the Face Punch list the week after that for saying that Val Kilmer is a better Batman than Christian Bale. You got that Hubs B, stand by for some face-punching. And if you carry on with this shit, you will become a permanent fixture on my Face Punch List.

Secondly, we need to discuss your love of Toby Maguire and the Spiderman movies, PM2. I’m going to assume that you and Hubs B were possibly high on Easter egg chocolate, which is the real reason that (a) Hubs B dared to make the two aforementioned suggestions and (b) you somehow thought the Spiderman movies were good.

Now, I’m not anti-super heroes. In my opinion, the latest round of Marvel ones are the best there are, and that’s got nothing to do with Thor’s ripped abs, Loki’s cheeky naughtiness, Captain America’s smile, Iron Man’s playfulness…oh who the fuck am I kidding, of course it does. The individual movies are one thing, but together in one Avenger movie? Well, what can I say, except having that many hot men in skin tight suits having a pissing contest together is pretty much a walking orgasm…wait hang on, that’s not what we were talking about is it?

Right, Ben Affleck as Batman. I personally think he’s going to knock it out of the park. Yes, we all know he fucked up Daredevil, but let’s be real, that script sucked from the get-go, there was only so much Ben could do with it anyway. But this is one of those cases where people are getting their panties in a wad because he’s not their number one pick, forgetting that the guy is actually incredibly hot, fit and talented (do we need to bring up that shirtless scene in The Town again). This whole debate takes me back to the shit fight that erupted over Daniel Craig playing James Bond, and I think we can all admit how fucking perfect that turned out. Right?

So relax PM2, Ben has got this. He’ll wear that black latex suit like he owns it and then, hopefully he’ll rip it right off that chiseled body of his and we’ll all get some shirtless action again.

PM2:

Thank you, lovely PM1 for calming my fears and always having my back when it comes to Ben Affleck. As for everything else…I see a long-running debate in the future, you cheeky bitch.

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