Can’t Park For Shit

When we decided to start this blog, I didn’t think the stories would immediately appear, but it turns out I was wrong. One day after a lengthy and downright stupid Facebook convo about our blog, that in turn included too many uses of the word yo, a blog post appeared to me as if it was sent from the heavens above. (Seeing as I have little faith in religion, this statement is slightly ironic and probably condescending to all who believe, but new pope says I can go even if I don’t believe. I’m cool with that.)

But back to the blog… I decided to randomly take the day off of work, which always seems like a fab idea until I enter the day world of the non-working asshats. (Aka: Old retired peeps)

Somehow I manage to make it to the library with only a few expletives leaving my mouth. But when I pull into the parking lot, a loud “fuck” pours from my mouth. The parking lot is packed. Who likes to visit the library on a random Wednesday at 9:30am? I’ll tell you…old people. Turns out they were hosting a class on how to use your ereader. (This is a whole separate blog post. I have so many questions about this course!)

I get in and get out quickly, seeing as I have more pressing matters to attend to. I have to be at the boozy theater at 10:30am to see Divergent. (Yes, I used booze and 10:30am in the same sentence. Go ahead judge me.) Hauling ass back to the parking lot, I encounter this:


My first thought: What. The. Fuck.

Second thought: Seriously, what the fuck?

Now the picture doesn’t do this justice. My car is the white one. The red car’s front end is literally in front of the back end of my car. That’s the first and probably the biggest issue. Next, the space between the two cars is so fucking small that I can’t even fit my ass in it, let alone open the door to get in my car. I look around and realize I’m boxed in. Car in front, cars on either side. Fml…

But just as I’m pondering how the asshat got out of their vehicle, an old Asian lady (Yep, call me a racist) climbs out of the passenger side of the red car. She looks at me, shrugs her shoulders and starts to walk into the library. Again… What! The! Fuck!

Me: Hey, lady! You can’t leave your car like this. I can’t get out.

Lady: I don’t know. (She legit said idk. You don’t know what??? How to fucking park? How to drive? How to communicate with people? FFS)

Me: You gotta move your car.

Lady: There no parking.

Me: Then pull out of the spot and wait for me to leave.

Lady: I can’t get in car.

Me: Neither can I.

By this point the F word is on the tip of my tongue. And what I really want to say is, “You’re a hundred fucking years old and possibly Mr. Chow from The Hangover’s, grandma. Get off the fucking road because clearly you can’t park a fucking car!”

So, in the end Can’t Park for Shit, gets the car out of the spot, but not before an Austin Powers style sixty point turn and a few mumbled fucks from my mouth.

The important thing here is that I made it on time to see Divergent…alone, like the only loser, dipshit in the theater, alone. Where I consumed two beers, a bag of popcorn, three mini bacon cheeseburgers and red velvet bread pudding. A reward to myself for not killing Grandma Chow.

A valuable lesson was learned today…people need a course on how to park a car, not how to use an ereader.

And my review of Divergent: Holy shit fuck…loved it and Four…so hot.