Mouthgasm: A follow up to the fruit post


After the tragic fruit incident at work today, I needed something to help me recover. So, what do I do? I drive to Portillo’s and order an entire chocolate cake. Yep the whole thing. Not a slice…the whole fucking cake.

Here’s how that went down. I walked up and the girl at the register smiled at me and asked what I would like to order.

Me: I’d like a chocolate cake, please.

Girl: (No longer smiling) Um, ok. A slice of chocolate cake.

Me: No. The whole cake.

Girl: Um, ok. The whole cake?

Me: Yes. The whole cake.

By now I was getting a little annoyed, but I really wanted my damn cake. So I continued to have this idiotic conversation.

Girl: Is this for here or to go?

Before I could answer, she stopped me and informed me that I needed to purchase an entire cake at the catering counter. The register I was currently standing at only took orders for “regular” sized orders. What the fuck does that even mean??

Still needing my chocolate cake, I stepped down to the catering counter, which should just say, “Counter for fat ass ordering an entire chocolate cake.” And here’s how that went down.

Another smiling girl greets me.

Girl #2: Hi, what can I help you with?

Me: I would like a chocolate cake, please.

Girl #2: A slice of cake.

Me: (Growing really annoyed, I may have let out a small huff before responding.) No, the entire cake.

Girl #2: The entire cake?

Me: Yes. (I’m not completely sure but I may or may not have said, “fuck” out loud.)

Girl #2: Is this for here or to go?

Me: (Rolling my eyes and possibly letting loose another “fuck”.) It’s for here. I’m going to consume an entire chocolate cake myself. Just give me a fork.

Girl #2: Oh, ok. No problem.

Me: Hey, that was a joke. It’s to go.

By this point Girl #2 said nothing, just bagged my cake and handed it to me. I can’t imagine I’m the only person to ever order a whole cake from Portillo’s, but the two girls working the counter sure made me believe that I was.

But none of that mattered when I ate that first slice. AHHHHHHHHH-MAZING… It was orgasmic!

Don’t judge me, someone brought fruit to work today and called it a treat!!