House Hunters… you’re assholes

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After watching an episode of House Hunters last night with Hubs B, I came to the conclusion that I really don’t like people. While this is something Hubs B has known about himself for a while, I had just discovered it about myself…well, probably not, but I think I finally admitted it. (Once I asked Hubs B how long he could survive on a deserted island and his response was, “Forever. I hate people.”)

So this young, bougie couple had a budget of basically two nickels rubbed together and list of must-haves that was two miles long.

This is where I blame HGTV. Somewhere along the lines peeps with a minuscule budget believe they are owed a fabulous home with all the upgrades. HGTV has led everyone to believe that your home sucks ass if it doesn’t have some kind of natural stone counter tops, walk in closets, a master bathroom, stainless steel appliances, wood floors and an island kitchen.

Now all of these are lovely additions to a home, yes, but when you have a budget for shag carpet and Formica counters, don’t be let down.

As the episode progressed, the couples became disenchanted with their home choices, whining, “It doesn’t have a master bath or a walk in closet.” Um, listen up you fucktards, first off, the house was built in 1953, second, it’s 1200 square feet and lastly, your budget allows you jack shit.

On the second house, which in my opinion was perfectly acceptable as a starter house, the complaint was, “No island kitchen, no master bath, no walk in closet or stainless steel appliances.” Holy fucking shit! Same argument as before and who the fuck shops for a house wearing five-inch heels and the makeup of a stage performer?? The high maintenance chick and her douche boyfriend, who btw, is a personal trainer. (And can we talk about that another time and how much he thinks he’s amazing?)

By the third house, I had written these asshats off and figured they’d never find the house of their dreams. (And yeah, I know this show is fake, so obviously they do find a house because it’s picked prior to even filming.) I couldn’t stand them and I truly hoped they would live with their parents forever. Stop being so fucking demanding!

In the end, they found their “perfect” home minus all the wonderful upgrades that were so important. Enjoy that wood paneling and linoleum flooring!

Just a note to keep in mind, you assholes…work hard, and when you’re not twenty-three, you’ll actually be entitled to all that high-end shit HGTV has made you believe you desperately need. And, should I ever meet you on the street, look out, because I kinda wanna punch you.

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Parents, they’re liars

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Did you ever think you’d so blatantly lie to your children? I didn’t, with exception of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the usual shit, I thought I’d be totally honest with them. Until I realized they’re like dealing with terrorists, there’s no negotiating. So bring on the lies and scare tactics.

While eating dinner tonight, I look over at Mini 1 and notice his eye is kinda red and swollen. (We had just gotten back from the water park which never fails to elicit some kind of gross fungal infection…athlete’s foot, ring worm, pink eye, etc.)
So I say to him that his eye is looking a little red and if it still looks like that in the morning, we should go to the doctor.

Mini 1 gives me the what-the-fuck face and bursts into near hysteria. Fucking carrying on and bitching and moaning about hating the doctor.

Instead of handling this rationally, I tell him his eyeball’s going to fall out. Yeah, so looking back it was pretty fucking OTT, but fuck it, because the whole scenario got funny.

Mini 2 gives me the what-the-fuck face and then turns to Hubs B and asks if it’s true. Hubs B in all his fatherly wisdom agrees with me wholeheartedly, but tries to appease Mini 1 by telling him we’ll get him an eyepatch. While Mini 2 couldn’t give a shit because, well, it’s not his eye and he’s simply less high-strung. (We call him our Mulley and Hubs B legit wanted to name him Mulligan, as in our do-over.)

Mini 1 is still asking how legit this situation is and Hubs B then tells him we’ll also get him a parrot for his shoulder. And in his best pirate accent says, “Arrh, matey, me lost me eye in a water park accident.”

While Mini 2 and I are laughing hysterically, Mini 1 is fucking sobbing. He storms away from the table and up to his room, calling us insensitive and liars.

Truth, kid. But at least you’ll have a thick skin by the time you reach middle school…either that or you’ll end up in therapy.

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Professional? My f**king ass

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I’m sure a lot of you have hired professionals to take care of things for you at one time or another. For instance, maybe someone to clean your house, wash your windows, remodel a bathroom, design a website or blog, reroof your house; the list is pretty extensive and could go on for days. But recently I hired someone to take on a job and it went to shit in a matter of seconds.

I hire these people because they are professionals and I’m not. If you need some learning, I’m your girl, but construction, cleaning, blog design, fuck it, that’s not me. (And maybe I’m a little lazy, too.)

So, that brings me to my point, I have a hobby that requires the use of a freelance team of people and I have always been thoroughly satisfied with the people I’ve worked with. For some stupid ass reason, I opted to hire someone I have never worked with before.

It went to fucking hell in a hand basket after the first fucking email. Intuition told me to walk away, but thinking I was jumping the gun on firing someone so quickly, I stuck it out for 30+ fucking emails.

Here’s how it all went down. I hired this person to design something similar to the Girls with Potty Mouth blog, which went so well, I thought; why not give someone else a shot.

I started by filling out the lengthy design form that took almost an hour and I left a few sections blank. I waited and four days later I still hadn’t heard anything. I sent a courtesy email asking if the fucking novel design form I filled out was received. It in fact was and work would begin promptly.

Awesome! But not really…

Promptly meant two weeks later and I had to send two more “courtesy” emails that were becoming far less courtesy than the first. At this time, I received an email asking me to take on a portion of this person’s work, because they were, in fact, running behind in their work schedule. Are you fucking kidding me???No, I won’t do your fucking job because your schedule is full. I shot back a pretty heated email and got a return email explaining how it would help if I took on this portion because it’s my vision. I don’t fucking care! I gave you a few ideas and because you’re the professional I hired, I need you to create something from it.

But, because I needed this work done in a timely manner, I did what was asked. And again, a good length of time went by with no communication. Another courtesy email sent and again another response with far too many questions regarding my design idea. All of the questions were answered in the fucking design form I filled out.

Mentioning this in the email I sent back, I did eventually answer all the fucking questions again. And again the waiting game…

I finally got an email with the finished product!

Yay! But not really…

What the fucking fuck!!!???

Design form filled out, multiple emails exchanged about my “vision” and the fucking finished product is missing everything! Not one single thing I asked to be incorporated was in the design and when I shot back a very professional email, I was confronted with the same questions from the design form and the multiple emails, being asked for the millionth fucking time!

Learn to fucking read! I hate hand holding, I hate giving direction and I fucking hate people who can’t perform their job without someone giving them constant feedback.

By this point, I was done. Just fucking done. Enlisting the help of PM1 because I was so fucking pissed, she promptly fired her for me. (PM1 and I were working on this project together, btw.)

Lesson learned, cheap isn’t always better, hand-holding is for teenagers in love, not professionals, and when someone misuses the words its/it’s and then/than, you should walk run the other fucking direction.

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Why do I subject myself to this?

1344578729070_522530 There’s nothing I despise more than pseudo celebrities and I think that came across loud and clear in my rants about the Kimye wedding. But fret no more, now that the wedding debacle is past us, I have found something new to focus on.

Paris Fucking Hilton

Now Hubs B has always claimed she is hot and I’ve always begged to differ. And after her latest music video, I’m not sure how anyone can claim her as anything but an insipid twit stuck in the body of a thirteen year old girl.

This video is the biggest fucking shit show since the Ashlee Simpson SNL lip sync fiasco. In order to fully appreciate this post you must view the video.

Disclaimer: It’s going to be 4 minutes and 14 seconds of sheer what-the-fuck.

Ok, now that you’ve seen it, questioned why you watched and have picked your jaw off the floor; let’s go through my favorite parts.

The starfish bra…god, I fucking hope no starfish were harmed in the making of this video. They absolutely were!!! They were forced to listen to an auto tuned version of a song that outright sucks balls. And the extended pause between the words come and alive, make it seem nothing but pornographic. (Guessing that was the point…sex tape scandal, my ass…again.) She looks like a cross between a mermaid and a pixie and the tooth fairy and a small child playing dress up on a set where Rainbow Bright and Barbie had a bad bout with the stomach flu. You’re a grown ass woman, grow the fuck up. Oh wait, that’s impossible because you have far too much money to be required to be a responsible adult. And let me say, nothing screams adult like parading around in a field of cotton candy clouds wearing rhinestone panties.

But on to my favorite part!!! A unicorn!!! There’s a fucking real-life unicorn in this video!! Only Paris Hilton could land that kinda shit. I only wish I would’ve been cast as the unicorn; my disappointment is fucking epic. I would have totes used that horn to give her a few jabs back into the real world. (Maybe even one really swift one) She fucking needs it.

So in the end…who doesn’t have Stars Go Blind on their playlist? Make sure to add Come Alive. We want to keep supporting Paris Hilton. Well maybe I just want that unicorn to keep getting work. It’s gotta be tough, I doubt it’s the heir to a hotel fortune.

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PS…Who ever created the ecard, no one is two words. Just sayin’.

Holy Mother of Viking Gods…

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Stop the fucking press…I’ve found my newest TV show obsession and the latest addition to what I like to refer to as my TV BFs.

Yes, I might be a little behind the eight ball, but whatever. Allow me to introduce the show, Vikings and the insanely sexy lead, whose blue eyes are nothing short of fucking mesmerizing, Ragnar Lothbrok (Travis Fimmel for googling purposes, peeps).

Holy shit…this show has got it all. I mean for starters, the guy is hot as fuck, but the story, the sets, the drama, the supporting cast, it’s all just epically fucking awesome. I’d heard rumors about this show, analogies of what it might be similar to, floating around and I gotta say, I totes agree…this show really is Sons of Anarchy meets Game of Thrones. And sexy Ragnor, well, he’s pretty much a Jax Teller – Jon Snow mash-up.

Yeah ladies, take a step the fuck back, this man is mine.

What’s it all about? Well, do we really care when this guy is strutting on screen? No, possibly not, but as good looking as he is, the story is also pretty kick ass too…and authentic, so major props to writer Michael Hirst for doing these Nordic bad boys justice. Telling the story of Ragnar, a rumored direct descendant of Odin (god of war and warriors for those of you who haven’t yet watched Thor), who leads his band of Viking brothers, while also looking after his family, in his quest to become King of the Viking Tribes. Not only is this man a fearless warrior, he’s a dedicated husband (plenty of sexy times peeps) and father. Thrown in for good measure is a healthy dose of Nordic traditions and devotion to the gods. I kid you not, I nearly shit myself when Ragnar told his son they were going to see Loki…

Fucking Loki!

Alas it wasn’t the cheeky little bad-boy we all know and love from such movies as Thor, Thor 2 and Avengers, but whatever, it’s a minor detail.

And quite frankly, Ragnar’s blue eyes more than make up for it. I mean seriously, it should be illegal to have eyes that blue. Holy fucking mother of Nordic gods, are they blue. And he is sexy and this show has got me hooked.

And for that Odin, I thank you.

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True Blood…are you f**king kidding me???

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Ok…in keeping with my earlier, TV show obsessed post, I need to have a rant about the latest True Blood episode. As a warning, anyone who hasn’t seen episode 3 yet, stop reading. Not only are there going to be spoilers, I’m about to rant like a fucking lunatic.

Because seriously True Blood writers…

What. The. Fuck. was THAT?

Seriously? That’s all Alcide gets?

A random shot to the head by some fucking unknown loser hiding in the bushes who’s never held a fucking gun before, while Alcide is standing there buck fucking naked (so fucking hot) after swooping in with Sam to save the fucking day?

Fuck. Me. That, is total bullshit.

Yeah ok, I get what you’re doing, we all fucking do, it’s been blatantly obvious since this show started. I mean we all know Sookie is going to end up with Bill. It’s been destined since episode 1 peeps, long before the show stopped following the books and long before it went off the rails with it’s ridiculous storyline about fucking Lilith, the vampire demi-god or whatever the fuck she was.

But that’s not what this rant post is about. No this is about how un-fucking-fair Alcide’s death was. I mean aside from the fact the guy is a 6’5” man of fucking steel werewolf, he’s also a nice fucking guy, a guaranteed bit of eye candy and someone the fans love. He deserved more than that. He deserved an epic fucking showdown that didn’t just showcase his fighting skills and his abs of fucking steel, but also his huge love for Sookie and the rest of his peeps.

Instead we get some random dickhead accidentally-on-purpose popping a cap in his head?

Fuck, the least you could do was pan the fucking camera down so we could get the full monty shot as Alcide lay there dying and I sat on my couch screaming “NOOOOOOOOO.”

And yes I know this is the final season and shit’s gonna get real, but fuck me, what exactly did his death accomplish? All it did was undermine just how fucking awesome Alcide is and make him look like a motherfucking pussy.

Oh, and make me motherfucking pissed.

Take note True Blood. Take. Note.

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Justifiably awesome

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Now, it’s no secret that I’m a bit of a TV addict. At any one time, I can have between 12-15 different shows on the go at once. Yes, I know, it must be tough fitting all these in, what with a full-time job, a hubs and any number of other things to do. But as with all important things in life, some are just worth finding the time for.

And while I do admit to watching all the water cooler blockbusters that everyone else watches, I also have a love of the quirky, often ignored, but usually insanely good TV shows. And for this reason, I thought I’d take the time to blog about one such show I watch, that also happens to be a favorite.

And this would be a show called Justified.

Starring the insanely gorgeous Timothy Olyphant, this is a quirky, character-driven drama that features a law-bending US Marshall who is big on protecting his town and the people he loves, but isn’t above employing some deviant tricks to do so.

Now, let me just pause for a minute to discuss Timothy Olyphant. I’ve had a bit of a crush on this man for years. A crush that was pushed into full blown adoration when he starred in the cheesy, but still cute as fuck, movie, Catch and Release. I still don’t know what it was, something about the bad boy wooing the good girl fiancé of his dead best friend that really got me. Maybe it was that the good girl was Jennifer Garner (wife to the gorgeous Ben Affleck) or the inclusion of Kevin Smith (always Silent Bob to me) as one of her roomies, I don’t know. What I do know is I fucking loved this movie…still do now. But I also loved him as the nameless Assassin seeking vengeance in Hit Man. I mean this boy can rock the shaved head and barcode tatt like nobody’s business. And fuck me, when he showed up as the sexily black-clad bad boy in Die Hard 4…well that was me yelling, “Yikee kiyay motherfucker!”

But then Justified came along, and everything changed. Because here was a show that not only let me watch Timothy once a week, but it also displayed his amazingly good acting chops. I mean it takes a talented guy to pull off a Stetson, a southern drawl and a name like Raylan, and still ooze sex appeal. And let me tell you peeps, this man has got it. Throw in the amazing fucking dialogue this show produces (“I’m just gonna file that under ‘who gives a shit,’” or “He’s armed, he’s dangerous and he’s an asshole”), the hilarious and always entertaining storylines and the downright adorable little crush he still has on his ex-wife Winona, and well, I am sold.

But now, with the sixth and final season currently in production, I have to prepare myself for the loss of my weekly dose of Timothy Olyphant. It’s going to be hard, but I do think the decision to end this show on a high is a good one. If you haven’t had a chance to watch this show yet, I highly recommend you do.

 “It’s my job, being a dick. It’d be weird if you liked me.”

No Raylan, I think it would be weird if we didn’t like you.

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Kiera Knightley, she’s just like me… and you

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I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I get People Magazine and it’s kinda the highlight of my week when I find it in my mailbox.

I usually read it cover to cover and one of my favorite parts is the last page, which is an editorial titled “One Last Thing”. It’s where People Magazine asks a few questions to a random celebrity and they give their answers.

So, as I read every week, it got me thinking. Celebrities always say they’re just like regular people. I decided to put this theory to the test and answer the questions in the “One Last Thing” portion of the magazine and compare my answers with the lovely Kiera Knightley. (She was this week’s celebrity interview.)

Here it is:

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The blogger, 35,                                            The actress, 29,

drags her ass out of bed                              hits a high note in the

at the crack of dawn                                  new movie Begin Again.

to go to her regular job.

 

Last injury

Me: My back. I’m getting old and for some reason setting up and taking down a massive blowup water slide, proved too difficult, causing me to be unable to complete simple tasks like walking or loading the dishwasher due to the pain. There’s also a pretty decent possibility that it was also caused by heaving a hefty Mini 2 up off the grass after he lay there crying when his brother nailed him in the head with a Croc. All of this occurring when they were supposed to be playing in the water slide that took me twenty minutes to set up.

Kiera: Over Christmas I tore my quad muscle. I was filming and I had to run through a door. I hadn’t warmed up, and it got very cold, and when I tried to run it just happened. I couldn’t do very much with it until it healed.

 

Last time I sang out loud

Me: Today while on the way home from the grocery store. I belted out Rod Stewart’s Maggie Mae with my windows down and everyone within an earshot got an amazing tone-deaf version and I wasn’t the least bit embarrassed.

Kiera: Probably when I did this film. And it will probably be the last time! I’m sure I sing around the house or in the car, but I’m not really aware of it.

 

Last time I danced

Me: Last week (OMFG!! I found a similarity!!!) in my bedroom with my kids. We danced to a bizarre techno version of Bastille’s Pompeii Hubs B found on SoundCloud.

Kiera: Last week at a Croatian music festival call FOR Festival (where her husband James Righton’s band Klaxons performed). How I dance and for how long depends on how much I’ve had to drink.

 

Last thing I returned

Me: Besides library books, nothing. I’m impulsive and too lazy. I buy things but never return them.

Kiera: A pair of trousers that I bought over the Internet that were way too big for me. I hate shopping, so I’m a crap shopper. This just proves I’m a crap shopper, because the trousers didn’t fit.

 

Last vice I indulged in

Me: Last night (Again, another similarity!!) I ate my weight in churros and drank a several glasses of sangria. All of this after indulging in quesadillas loaded with sour cream and cheese. I really, really like food.

Kiera: Probably the two glasses of rose I had last night. I really, really like a big glass of white wine, big glasses of red wine, big glasses of rose, whatever. I’m equal opportunity. Absolutely.

Now you be the judge, but it’s like we’re leading parallel lives. Shocking, isn’t it?

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FYI…The answers to Kiera’s “One Last Thing” questions came from the July 14, 2014 issue of People Magazine. One, two please don’t sue!

Oh sweet baby Jesus! GOAL!!!

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Yes, these boys play soccer…

Hubs B is a huge fan of soccer and with the world cup only coming around every four years, I let him indulge. Unless you were living under a rock, you know yesterday the US played Belgium in a game that would allow the winner to advance to the next round.

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And so do these. Just imagine them all hot and sweaty.

So Hubs B and I headed over to our favorite little bar to take in the game. (Yes, Mini 1 and Mini 2 were with but you can’t judge me because the bar has a kids’ menu.) While I enjoyed a Harp Shandy, Hubs B sat on the end of his chair with his eyes glued to the television.

I have to digress a minute and wish my good friend and her husband a congratulations on the birth of their twin girls yesterday. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I would add this to my post about soccer. Well, you see, my friend’s husband is just as big of a fan as Hubs B and while the US was losing to Belgium (sorry…spoiler for those rock dwellers), they were welcoming their baby girls. A great end to a shitty day of lost soccer where I spent the rest of the evening in a bar with a bunch of semi-drunk depressed Americans. But lucky for him, he’s from Germany and I’m sure his loyalty still lies there. So rock on Germany. Kick some French ass!

But yeah, back to soccer. Now this post really has nothing to do with the game and everything to do with the hot guys who participate. I have no problem watching soccer with Hubs B and would probably do it regardless, but all those hot, hot guys make it totally worth it.

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Lawwrrddd….someone hold me up.

Have you seen these men? Oh my fucking god. It’s the only professional sport that cranks out more good-looking faces and hot bodies than any other. But for the love of fuck…make the world cup happen more often than every four years. Stop punishing women!

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Good god, those eyes!

So in the end, here is the reason I really watch…hot guys and soccer junk. When I say junk, I mean the best kind. 🙂

Here’s a montage of some of my favorites. Enjoy ladies, or guys if that’s your thing. 😉

Hello!

Adorable ass.

Not sure what this is about but it made me laugh.

Last one…I promise.

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I lied… This is Oguchi Onyewu. I have no idea how to pronounce his name, which will make for an interesting attempt while I call it out in my dreams.

I think I have ADD.

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