Yeah, another post about food

June 2, 2014 by ·

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Now I know I’ve made it pretty clear I love food and not to fuck with me when it comes to what’s considered a treat. So today, after a particularly trying day at work, the kind that usually involves alcohol and really good food to soothe me, I remembered I had an ice cream cookie sandwich in the freezer.

See a few days ago Hubs B went to the store on an ice cream run where he so kindly picked up not one ice cream cookie sandwich, but two. He knows me well. I ate one immediately and placed the other in the freezer for a day just like today.

After a small (but kinda big) pity party for myself, I decided to celebrate by enjoying my ice cream cookie sandwich. Yay!! Food!! I opened my freezer and expected it to be sitting right where I left it, considering it’s been weeks since I went grocery shopping, but it was not there. I pulled everything off the shelf I left it on, still no sandwich and the panic began to set in. Then in something that bordered between rage and fear, I tore through the freezer, pulling everything off the shelves. Panting and sitting on the kitchen floor with a pile of frozen food around me, it still couldn’t be found. FUCKING SHITBALLS MOTHER WHORE, WHERE’S MY FUCKING ICE CREAM COOKIE SANDWICH???!!!

Then it hit me. Hubs B. At that moment he was out running (exercise…what the fuck?) and the more I thought about it the more I knew it was him. How could he betray me like this? Devastation turns to anger as I picture him enjoying my bad day correction. He better pray with everything in him to some kind of god that he didn’t eat that sandwich, because he’s never getting laid again if he did. (This is a lie. I’m the one who can’t hold out, but I was seriously angry.)

Hubs B walked in and I immediately accused him:

Me: Did you eat my ice cream cookie sandwich, you motherfucker?

Hubs B: (A sheepish look on his face.) Yes. I’m sorry.

Me: Why? I’m so sad right now.

Hubs B: Dessert food has a two-day statute of limitations in this house. You left that shit for at least four days. And I ate it on the same day you went out with BFF and had Harp Shandies and ate a bunch of cinnamon sugar donuts.

Me: I brought those donuts home for you.

Hubs B: No you didn’t. You bought them for yourself and then felt like you needed to share them with me.

I couldn’t deny this, so I just backed off. Doesn’t mean I’m still not pissed about the cookie sandwich. Good thing I love Hubs B more than food. Shocker, I know.

PM2

Filed Under: Don't judge me, Mmmm...food, WTF? ·

And by cryptic, you mean f**king impossible, right?

May 27, 2014 by ·

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So my two work BFFs recently suggested I start doing cryptic crosswords. And no, this is not because I’ve got nothing better to do with my time, but because, and I quote, “you’re supremely intelligent, you’d be really good at them and we think you’d enjoy the word play.” Ok, I might have made that first part up, but you get where I’m going here, right?

And they are right about one thing, I do like word play. I like to write and I also love stuff that’s outside the box, that doesn’t follow a formula and that makes you think. However, as I pointed out to them, every time I’ve attempted to do a cryptic crossword, the only thing that crosses my mind is, what the fuck are they talking about?

My BFFs weren’t to be deterred however, and before I can say don’t worry about it, out comes the cryptic crossword from today’s paper, which is 99% done, and they try to encourage me to help them finish it. As I sit there staring at it, all I can see is a bunch of weird ass clues that make about as much sense to me as Chinese and all I can hear is an endless dialogue of idea swapping that makes as much sense to me as high school physics. Evidently the WTF expression on my face was obvious because my BFFs then attempt to explain to me how they crack these cryptic clues. At first I was like WTF? And then as they kept going I was like, WTF… oh ok, now I get it…sort of. And by the time they were through…I was still, yeah ok, I see it but really WTF. Again, not to be deterred, they encouraged me to try one for myself, assuring me I would soon get the hang of it.

Now being the nerd that I am, I went back to my desk and googled cryptic crosswords, thinking I’d surprise them by solving that final clue they hadn’t managed to crack. Unsurprisingly I didn’t solve it, and instead, I get sidetracked by an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to cryptic crosswords.

Well, fuck me.

Not only are there variations and levels on these things, but there are apparently endless types of both clues and rules that “show” you how to solve the puzzle. Here’s a completely straightforward and logical example of what I’m talking about:

15D Very sad unfinished story about rising smoke (8)

is a clue for TRAGICAL. This breaks down as follows.

– 15D indicates the location and direction (down) of the solution in the grid

– “Very sad” is the definition

– “unfinished story” gives “tal” (“tale” with one letter missing; i.e., unfinished)

– “rising smoke” gives “ragic” (a “cigar” is a smoke and this is a down clue so “rising” indicates that “cigar” should be written up the page; i.e., backwards)

– “about” means that the letters of “tal” should be put either side of “ragic”, giving “tragical”

– “(8)” says that the answer is a single word of eight letters.

There are many “code words” or “indicators” that have a special meaning in the cryptic crossword context. (In the example above, “about”, “unfinished” and “rising” all fall into this category). Learning these, or being able to spot them, is a useful and necessary part of becoming a skilled cryptic crossword solver.

Crystal clear right?

Wanting to prove a point, I email the above example to my friends, pointing out not only how impossible these things are, but also asking how I’m ever expected to remember all these rules and variations. As I wait for their response, I continue googling and stumble across a website that offers a “daily cryptic crossword that you can do in your coffee break.”

Oh, I’m pretty sure I can prove that wrong.

As I sit there staring at the clues, the only thing that crosses my mind is this; I still have no fucking idea what any of these clues mean. I mean I can’t remember a single rule and I literally cannot think of a single possible answer. Ten minutes later, I finally take a guess at one of them and because this is all online, I can cheat and find out if I’m right…holy shit…I am! I don’t exactly know how I worked it out, or where the answer came from, but who gives a shit, I got it right! Of course being the impatient person that I am, which let’s be honest, is the real reason I’ll never be any good at these things, I then checked all the other answers. It’s at this point that I discover me solving one clue was a complete and utter fluke, because even with the answers, I can barely understand the rest of them.

I finally concede defeat and admit to my BFFs that not only am I too impatient to ever do these puzzles, but that it just took me 10 minutes to work out one clue.

Their response? Oh, apparently 10 minutes is normal.

PM1

Filed Under: Don't judge me, What the hell is wrong with me, WTF? ·

Please, shut the f**k up…

May 24, 2014 by ·

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So last night I went and saw X-Men: Days of Future Past. Yes, this movie was awesome, probably one of the best in the entire series. The ending in particular had me squealing like a Japanese schoolgirl in a Hello Kitty store. But that’s not what this post is about…PM2 and I will regal you in a separate post about how much we loved this movie and in particular, the boys in it.

No this post is about my movie going experience, which almost led me to punch a 7 year old kid in the face.

So being that this was an X-Men movie, I went for the premium, extreme screen and sound, fancy seats, more expensive option. I’m totes ok with this, it is after all, X-Men, I like to be comfortable when I enjoy these boys. What I didn’t count on however, was the 20+ kids that occupied the row behind me, supervised by 2 adults who clearly couldn’t give a fuck about anything, but especially about the fact that these kids spent the next 2 hours ruining everyone’s movie going experience.

Pretty much from the time the movie started to the time the credits rolled, these kids talked non-fucking-stop. And this was despite repeated, “shut the fuck ups” from me, and others, in the cinema. I don’t give a fuck how excited you are, no one needs a running commentary of every single fucking thing that’s going on in the movie. But I especially don’t need it from a 7 year old who has no concept of volume control or even what the hell is going on half the time.

But it got worse, because not only did they never shut the fuck up, on three separate occasions, they all decided on a mass exodus from the movie theater in a style that resembled a running of the bulls…or a herd of elephants…or 20+ kids who simply don’t give a fuck. Of course this was followed up with all these kids running back into the theater, talking, laughing and kicking seats as they found their way back to their row.

I mean, I really don’t understand why these adults wasted their money even buying them tickets. They probably only saw half the fucking movie and when they were sitting there “watching” it, they never shut the fuck up.

And yes I realize I sound like a crabby bitch here. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I do, it’s just that when I pay for a premium movie experience, I don’t expect to have it ruined by a bunch of 7 year olds who not only shouldn’t be watching a PG-13 rated movie in the first place, but who are supervised by 2 adults who simply don’t give a fuck.

PM1

Filed Under: Don't judge me, FFS, Things that piss us off ·

I’m going to hell…

May 21, 2014 by ·

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Yep, there is no possible way this isn’t happening. I’m pretty sure I’m the conductor of the fucking train that takes all us shitheads straight to the flaming gates. All aboard!

Hell…can it really be that bad? Ok, I love the heat, so I’m not dreading this entirely. I imagine hell to be like Disney World in July. A sweltering shit show of sun and heat and humidity coupled with extreme cases of B.O. I kinda love this, minus the B.O. Maybe I do belong in hell? Maybe it’s my mothership? Maybe Satan and I would be BFFs! If that’s the case, I’d totes ask him to do me a solid and give me back the boobs I had when I was nineteen. Eternal damnation and whatever, it’s the least he can fucking do, right?

I derailed… So yeah, I’m legit going to hell. I swear like a fucking sailor, I enjoy a beverage or two fairly often and I tend to say everything I’m thinking and trust me, this is a bad thing. You should see the looks people give me when I question their stupidity out loud. I also laugh at people’s misfortunes. Not even Hubs B is immune to this. Once when we were in NYC he fell off the curb and broke his hand. Instead of rushing to his side, I laughed until I almost pissed myself while some random old lady helped him up. Going. To. Hell.

But today sorta sealed the deal and gave me a permanent place on the throne next to Satan. (I might be excited about being his queen if it means I get some sort of scepter.) While watching a Tosh.0 marathon, I found myself laughing to the point of tears at his racist, sexually demeaning, vulgar and downright inappropriate jokes.

I don’t know what came over me, but I grew a conscience during a disturbing video breakdown of a gigantic woman twerking in a Rubbermaid tub full of water. (FYI…she looked like a hippo having seizure. Guess I’m not feeling too bad because that was probably unnecessary.)

So…I should be a better person. I should be a role model. I should be more respectful. I shouldn’t laugh at this shit and rewind it and watch it over and over again and mock their moronic actions. (Butt water…fuck, these peeps are super WT, yet so entertaining.) Here’s the video just in case you need a visual.

It’s all so wrong, but something tells me I’ll always be naughty and laugh at this shit. In the end, the moral is, the show’s still on. I can’t be the only one, right?

Basically, I’m going to hell. So who’s joining me? (I’m pretty sure PM1 will be my roommate.)

PM2

Filed Under: Don't judge me, WTF? ·

You can have any movie you want as long as it’s F&F

May 20, 2014 by ·

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Here at Girls with Potty Mouths we obsess over a lot of things, but we have two things that we share an intense and possibly crazy mutual love for. Ben Affleck (not sure if that’s obvious yet) and The Fast and the Furious movies. We have no shame or embarrassment when we admit we love The Fast and the Furious franchise. We have mad love for all of them, even the shit ass Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift.

PM2:

Ok PM1, we both love the F&F movies and it’s something we discuss regularly, so let’s share our obsession with our readers.

I don’t even know where to begin because OMFG I love these movies. I love the characters and the story line and the drama and the car chases and the hot ass boys and…fuck me…I love it all. It gives me that heart-racing, tingly feeling and something about it all is totes a turn on. It could have something to do with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. (I nearly cried when I typed his name. I’m still recovering from his death. Total devastation.) But both of these boys… So. Fucking. Hot. Help me out PM1…let’s narrow this convo down.

PM1:

I hear you PM2, I hear you. There are no words to describe how I feel about this movie franchise. I own every single one of them, yet I will still watch them every time they are on TV. From the original, and some would say the best, to the shitastic Tokyo Drift, which was saved by the introduction of the delicious Han and the epic cameo from Vin at the end. To the resurrection of the franchise with Fast Five and the post-credits discovery that Letty was still alive (yeay!) and the full circle Fast and Furious Six, which got the whole gang back together again.

Like you, I can’t put it down to a single thing. I love the boys, (Vin, Paul – RIP beautiful man, Tyrese, Ludacris, Sung), the cars, the crazy ass driving stunts, the romance (yeay for Letty and Dom being back together), and the surprisingly emotional moments. I mean, I cried for Han when he lost Gisele and then I cried for me, when we lost Han. These movies are unashamedly over the top, but I think that’s part of why we love them. I love that they aren’t afraid to mock themselves and I love that every movie creates a whole new ridiculously implausible criminal and subsequent mission that always involves at least two super-charged car chases and completely unbelievable, but still totally cool stunts. Fuck Yeah.

One thing I do know however is that Fast Seven will sadly be the end of the line for me. It was one thing to lose Han and Gisele in Fast Six, but to even think about continuing these movies after the shocking and all too early death of Paul Walker. No way. I flat out refuse to watch any future Fast and Furious movies, because this man, like Vin, is the Fast and Furious movies. They are quite simply, pointless without him and I for one can barely accept the fact he has gone, let alone sit through a movie without him in it. PM2, what do you think?

PM2:

Oh…PM1, you know how I feel about the death of Paul Walker and the continuation of the franchise without him. Call it done. There is no point in continuing something that has lost person who is the personification of this franchise, the one who is and always will be, associated with these movies. I’m going to digress a bit… The death of Paul Walker pretty much ruined my evening that night and having to hear it from you, PM1, was even more devastating. I will never forget that text message, “PM2!!! PAUL WALKER IS DEAD.” I legit shed a tear and when Hubs B came home and I bombarded him with this news, he was anything but sympathetic. This is where Hubs B and Hubs A are total douche bags. While chatting with PM1 about one of the biggest tragedies of 2014, Hubs B was making snide comments in the background.

Me: Oh PM1, I’m so sad. Why did this have to happen???!!!

PM1: I know, me too. Why was he driving so fast???!!

Hubs B and Hubs A are listening to this and this is where Hubs B interjects and causes Hubs A to laugh uncontrollably.

Hubs B: That’s because he lives his life a quarter mile at a time. (I gave him the death stare, but have to give him props for his witty retort that included an F&F reference.)

To this day, PM1 and I still talk about this convo, but at least now we can laugh about Hubs A and Hubs B’s stupidity.

But back to the post…well maybe, because this has turned into a rambling shit ass mess of gibberish. Anyway…These movies are full of some of the best one-liners ever. (“I live my life a quarter mile at a time.” “Bullshit. Nobody likes the tuna here.” “The busta brought me home.” “You can have any brew you want as long as it’s a Corona.”) And well, let’s be honest, we all know it is one of the best film franchises of all time. Just try and disagree with us. You’d be completely fucking wrong, so don’t bother.

Have you ever known a franchise that can make a bunch of movies set in random order and come out on top? These movies top the box office with insane opening numbers and even more outrageous earnings. Now tell me these movies suck. Not. Going. To. Happen. Nope, this shit is it. 2Fast 2Furious and Tokyo Drift, both crap, yet somehow created two amazingly memorable characters, Roman and Han. The creation of Fast and Furious (technically movie #4) that eventually brought back most of the original cast with hardly any link to the previous two movies. The reason I say random order is because Tokyo Drift actually takes place after The Fast and the Furious Six and foreshadows the death of Han. (Sobbing. WTF…why did he have to die???) Only seriously avid lovers of the franchise would recognize this.

But it’s not only the one-liners that make these movies outstanding. It’s so much more. Vin Diesel is like the Yoda of cars, teaching Brian everything he needs to know about racing and nitrous deploying timing and shifting and well, life. And who doesn’t love action-packed car races that border on ridiculously impossible? I love the scene in Fast Five when they steal the safe and drive it through the city. (A shout out to Giselle for driving that garbage truck in an orange jumpsuit and still looking fucking hot as hell.) The deception and planning and execution of it all, only to have it followed up with a perfectly cheesy ending. OMG…I could go on forever. I think this needs a top five or a top ten, maybe even a top…who the fuck knows how many. Thoughts, PM1?

PM1:

I think what this needs is a fucking saga PM2 and that’s totes how I see this post turning out! But you’re right, on so many counts, but especially about Hubs A and Hubs B being epic douche bags during the death of Paul Walker…a man we not only fantasize about racing alongside, but who is the epitome of what this movie franchise is all about. It will never be the same without him.

But it’s everything else you mentioned too. And of course, let’s not forget the romance. From the tough love, push my buttons and I’ll push yours, between Dom and Letty to the totes adorable love between Brian and Mia to the outright gorgeous pinning of Han for Gisele… These men might be total tough guys, but they are complete softies when it comes to their women, and we love them even more for that.

This series, quite simply, has it all. I mean I can single-handedly thank this movie franchise for not only teaching me a whole bunch of pointless car shit, but for also giving me some of the coolest lines of all time. The Fast and Furious Franchise will always be a go-to movie series for us, one that we will never get tired of watching, but will forever be retired after Fast Seven.

And on that note, PM2 and I would like to take a second to say how much we miss Paul Walker. Yes, we didn’t know the man and yes, our love is heavily based on his looks and fucking adorable character in this movie franchise, but it’s also based on this.

RIP Paul Walker 🙁

Filed Under: Beautiful boy, Don't judge me, Fuck. Me. ·

Don’t judge me, but… Best. Season. Finale. Ever.

May 16, 2014 by ·

 

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Ok…I officially need to discuss the season finale of The Vampire Diaries. So if you haven’t seen it…spoilers are coming…you’ve been warned.

Look, I’ll admit, I’m a huge fan of the fang. I love all vampire stuff, but especially when it’s done well. No sparkling fangless vamps here thank you. And personally, I think The Vampire Diaries, hits it out of the fucking ballpark. This show has it all; the fangs, the blood, the drinking from humans, the violence, and the holy-fucking-shit-is-he-sexy. This is what vampires should be about.

I’m also going to admit that I’m partial to certain celebrity romances. I get invested, protective even, almost as though I’m involved in them myself. Yes I know, it’s not normal, but I can’t help it, I feel a certain allegiance to specific couples and I’m naturally devastated when they break up in real life.

But what the fuck does any of this have to do with anything?

A good question, and I’ll admit, the link is tenuous as best, but, and hear me out, because I’ll bet I’m not alone. Watching last night’s season finale of The Vampire Diaries has only reinforced to me how much IAN AND NINA SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER. Seriously.

But it also reinforced to me just how much this show fucking rocks.

Oh fuck me, was this finale epic. I cried, I squealed, I screamed “no fucking way”…a lot… and I smiled… but mostly I cried. Because finally, finally, Damon and Elena were on the same page and my god was it fucking awesome, like seriously swoon-worthy Thelma and Louise style awesome…and then…Damon doesn’t make it back…and Elena breaks down … and then… he talks about how this is the moment he knows his entire 173 year life was worth it… and then… I swoon some more… and then… I break down again… and then… the show ends and I’m wishing to fuck it was season 6 already.

It was emotional and it was romantic and it was everything a good bad-boy-vampire-meets-good-girl-vampire show should be. And once again, it highlighted the fan-fucking-tastic sexual chemistry Nina and Ian have. So for the love of fucking god, please get back together already…and CWTV, for the love of fucking god, please start season 6 already.

The only saving grace in this whole sob-fest of Elena losing Damon and me losing my dignity, is that Alaric is back… Alaric is back!! And if he hadn’t just lost his BFF, I’d be rejoicing at the best onscreen bromance ever being back together again. Only I can’t…because Damon is gone…and I’m about to cry again.

So you see, Damon has to come back, not just for Elena and Alaric, but for me too…seriously…Damon, come back…please.

PM1

Filed Under: Don't judge me, Fuck. Me., Totes adorbs, What the hell is wrong with me ·
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