“You’re not my diplomat!”

This is a phrase that Hubs B coined a long time ago after a few too many beverages. Not being able to remember the word dictator due to his drunkenness, he tossed in whatever “d” word his cloudy brain could remember. Hilarity ensued, but what began this ridiculous statement, was the fact that Hubs B doesn’t like to be told what to do. He doesn’t like large corporations or advertisements that tell him to like something and he especially doesn’t like when something isn’t exactly right. (The world should be tailored to fit his needs.) He isn’t and has never been a “follow the crowd” kind of person. All of this leads him to host his own personal boycotts against things that piss him off, people that try to be his “diplomat” and whatever other random things that happens to fuck up his day. (I find all of this endearing, hilarious and completely entertaining.)

So last night while watching TV, an ad for H&M came on. Now usually we would have fast forwarded through this ad, but for some reason Hubs B let it play. Had he not, this blog post would cease to exist. Let me set the stage… Hot girl on the beach in a bikini. Hot girl turns out to be Giselle. Now most guys would enjoy the view and tune out whatever else was going on. Not Hubs B. Giselle starts singing while standing on the beach in a very tiny bikini and Hubs B is not impressed. He actually turned to me and said, “Why is she singing?” The annoyed look remained on his face for a few seconds before he responded with, “I’m not shopping at H&M again.”

Still in a huff, the show we were currently watching ended and he hits play on an episode of Chicago P.D. that we had recorded. The episode seems to pick up right in the middle and I can hear Hubs B mumble a few “what the fucks” (it’s a fave of his, too) under his breath. I turned to him and informed him that he needed to watch the previous episode of Chicago Fire, because this is a cross over episode. In all his Hubs B like ways he said, “Fucking NBC isn’t my diplomat,” and continued watching the episode. In the end, he watched the whole episode, whether he was confused or not, I’ll never know, because fuck knows he’d never say that out loud. But when the episode ended his response was, “Take that NBC.”

As much as I love to give him shit, it’s this kind of stuff that makes me laugh like crazy. Here’s a list of a bunch of other stuff he chose to boycott for ludicrous reasons. All of which are totally warranted in his eyes.

• Cell Phones (This was circa 2001 when they became all the rage. He was keepin’ it real by not having one.)
• Walgreens (They have a monopoly over the pharmacy world and they’re on every fucking corner.)
• Wendy’s (Once they gave him a five piece chicken nugget instead of a six piece)
• Facebook (Just a flat out refusal)
• Jewel/Osco (They at one point had a card you had to use in order to get the sale price)
• The entire city of Boston
• The entire state of Texas
• United Airlines
• Expedia
• The iPhone (He was all about his BlackBerry until he was forced by his company to get an iPhone)

The list is pretty endless and new items are added daily, so I never know what will show up. I’m sure I make this list regularly; he just doesn’t say it out loud.

PM2

PM2: We all have them…shitty friends. The older I get, the more I realize it’s hard to find good friends. We all have friends that come and go and that’s okay. They are there to serve a purpose. See, PM1 and I met through a mutual friend, who incidentally is no longer friends with either of us, but she’s the reason we met, so in the end it’s fine that our mutual friendship disbanded. The purpose was served. But these are not the people we’re talking about. We’re talking about those fuckwits that make you wonder why the fuck you tolerate them and all their bullshit.

PM1: Yep these are the peeps who firmly believe that friendship is a one-way street, pointing only in their direction. They’re happy to be there for you when you can offer them something, but would never think to just be friends with you because of you. And worst of all, they are the friends who are happy to fuck you over, often at a moments notice.

So why do we have these friends? Well that’s a good fucking question and I think ultimately it comes down to one very important point.

We like to believe that people just wouldn’t treat us this way. That being grown ass women/men (but let’s get real, it’s usually women), we’d actually act our fucking age for a change and not like we’re back in high school, only with a heavy dose of crack thrown in for extra fucking-you-over-ness.

PM2: Now PM1 might sound a bit bitter, but one thing I’ve learned about her in our lengthy friendship, is that she hates to be fucked over and she doesn’t forgive easily. She’s a one shot deal. I’m the forgiver. She’s the fuck you. (I’m kinda scared of her. She’s a hardcore bitch. I might have had too much to drink tonight. Excuse me if this is gibberish.)

But in the end, she’s right. Why do friends suck so bad? Honestly, why do girl friends suck the worst of all? It is like high school. And when you finally grow up and move beyond that, you still find friends who perpetually live in that world. Like the “shit-talker”.

You know the shit-talker… This is the friend that talks behind everyone’s back and when she leaves, you wonder what the fuck she’s said about you. Even when you call her out on her bullshit, she’s the one who somehow turns the whole situation around on you. Why are we friends with these people again? Remind me, PM1 why we put up with this shit?

PM1: Who the fuck knows PM2, who the fuck knows. All I do know is the shit-talker is right up there with the fucker-overer…the friend who thinks nothing of promising you something and then proceeds to go back on their word and do sweet fuck all. Worse still, said “friend” then goes on to act as though nothing has happened, expecting you to sweep it all under the carpet and forget about it.

Fuck that.

I left high school many, many years ago. I hated it when I was there, a perpetual Mean Girls-Goundhog Day mash up, and I have no desire to go back to it either. Yet somehow now, in my thirties, I find myself right back in it, frequently, and I have to ask myself, WTF?

Are we really that insecure or childish that we just can’t be genuine with each other? True friends, who are worth their weight in gold, just don’t treat you like that. True friendship is a two-way street and you know what, true friendship should not be hard work.

PM2: I hear you, PM1. The fucker overer friend is far worse than the shit talker because I don’t think they even realize they suck. Their way of dealing with their friendship shittery is to just ignore it. My favorite is when they call or text acting like they didn’t just screw your ass to the wall. How do you respond to that? Who the fuck knows…

But I also hear you on the true friendship thing. Real friends are few and far between and even when you think you’ve found them, bam… they find a way to fuck you. Makes you wonder why you even bother.

Okay…this has taken a turn down Bitch Street. (Seriously PM1 and I are not super bitches…okay maybe PM1 is a bitch, but not a super bitch.) We all have these friends and yep, they suck hard, but we also need to give a quick shout out to the good ones. PM1 is one of my besties. I adore her. PM1 is my friend when I’m a hot ass mess, when I want to complain and when I need someone to laugh with. She’s genuine and even though we do behave like we’re in high school, it’s the good kind of high school. The one where you get drunk and eat mass quantities of Twizzlers and laugh till you cry.

So cheers to good friends and here’s to drinking because of the shitty ones!