Face Punch Friday

Face Punch Friday

November 27th

PM2:

It’s Black Friday and since I avoided all the sales like the plague, there isn’t much to face punch about, and I was off work for the last three days.

• To the resort we retreat to every year at Thanksgiving to avoid spending it with family, you’re the one and only face punch this week. Your customer service was shit this year…after six fucking years of spending Thanksgiving with you, I’m done. Thanks for closing half the waterpark, not having my room ready and for making traipse back up to the front desk, soaking wet wearing a bathing suit, just to replace my keys since you did your job wrong the first time. You’re on the face punch list for good.

November 20th 

PM2:

• Now I know I live in the “Windy City” but sweet fuckery, this fucking wind can end at any time. I swear it feels like my house is going to blow over, not to mention my paranoia that shingles are being ripped from my house as I type. Ever try sleeping while you envision your entire roof falling onto your bed? It’s fucking impossible. And Hub B deserves a mini face punch for always sleeping through this shit.
• My hair, after 30+ years deserves to be on this list more than just this one time. I’m so fucking sick of straightening my curly hair every single fucking day. I’m over it. Why did I get the shitty curly hair? The kind that no matter what is fuzzy, not nice soft curls but just dry fuzzy all over the fucking place hair. Think Monica on Friends when they go to Jamaica. I usually get a reprieve come winter, but even that isn’t enough. I’m getting too old and too lazy to deal with it any longer, and I’m now the queen of the messy bun.
• To the snow that claims to be coming. It’s going be the first big snowfall of the season and I’m ready to give it a face punch. I fucking hate winter.

November 13th 

PM2:

• To my acne: I’m too fucking old to still have acne and I don’t know why the fuck it just randomly appears. Six fucking months nothing and then bam…it’s all over my face. I’m not fifteen, so please just fuck off.
• Powdered makeup in compacts. Yep, I broke two this week and that shit was everywhere. Can’t someone fucking invent unbreakable powdered makeup??? I get that I’m clumsy as fuck and should probs face punch myself for this one, (and for not posting a FPF last week or my Top 5 for November…fuck, I’m a mess) but I dropped it once and it was like a fucking explosion.

November 6th

PM1:

• Clearly The Walking Dead writers are staying put as they continue to make me wait for confirmation of Glenn’s survival. Be rest assured Gimple and Co, the longer you make me wait, the longer you stay on the list!
• To my incessant writer’s block. Please, just fuck off already

October 30th

PM1:

• I’ve only got one face punch this week and it’s obviously going to The Walking Dead. Now don’t get me wrong, I fucking LOVE this show. In addition to highlighting just how inferior Fear the Walking Dead is (sorry, but those peeps are fucking useless when it comes to fighting zombies…they are just like the Alexandrian’s….but I digress), it’s return has made the start of my week bearable again. Of course that all changed this week when they had to go and allegedly fucking kill Glenn off! What the fucking fuck Walking Dead creators??? Don’t you know Glenn is immortal when it comes to this show. Not only is he a season 1 original, he’s one half of the greatest love story a zombie show can ever create and he’s the hero we all aspire to be. I mean the man was a fucking pizza delivery guy and now he’s a kick ass zombie killer, who doesn’t want that career switch?? And I mean seriously, not only should he have killed Nicholas when he first got the chance (seriously, never trust a psycho to redeem himself), but if you were going to kill him off like you’re trying to pretend you have, he certainly deserved a better death than that. But, just to clarify, I do not believe that Glenn is dead. Since the episode aired, I’ve spent the better part of my week googling the shit out of it and I have multiple reasons to conclude that he is still alive, none of which relate to my obsessive desire for this to be the case. I won’t list them all here, but suffice to say, he’s coming back, but in the meantime, the Walking Dead creators are also getting a face punch for making me wait at least a week, and in reality, probably several to find that out.

PM2:

• I love Halloween, but I absolutely fucking despise getting “Booed.” I wanna face punch whoever came up with it, whoever booed me and myself for even attempting to participate. (It’s a majorly half-assed attempt.) I have a million fucking things to do before Halloween without adding, finding two neighbors who haven’t been booed, buying shit for them and sneakily leaving it for them. I hate forced kindness… No fucking thanks. If this tradition must continue, next time skip me, or someone needs to just leave a bottle of booze for me with a note that says, “The boo stops here.”
• To my stupid fucking massive jetted bathtub that grows mold faster than a Petrie dish in a lab. I hate cleaning you…with a toothbrush, I hate having to take my socks off to clean you, and I hate using bleach. You deserve a face punch for being high maintenance, but so do I because I thought you would be fucking awesome. You’re not. (This is totes a whiny first world problem.)

WE’RE BACK… Bitchier than ever!

October 23rd

PM2:
I’m only dishing out one face punch today, despite the need to rant about a million things.

To the fucking psychopath who thought it was a great idea to bang on the window of my classroom at 7am. You deserve more than a face punch. It was still fucking dark out, I was alone and you had to trek through the grass and climb over the shrubbery just to gain access…that right there is weird enough, but then you took it to another level by pounding on my window and then yelling for me to let you in. Are you fucking kidding me?? Get fucked, dude. And in the end, all for something stupid and because you lack patience. Not my fucking problem! Thanks for ruining my fucking morning, making me nearly piss my pants and making my hands shake. Thankfully there were donuts in the lounge.

PM1:

• The motherfuckers who made the tiles on my roof. Not only have hundreds of them now broken, but these fuckwits are trying to tell me it’s because people have walked all over my roof. Nothing to do with the fact that tiles in multiple spots have broken and that they have all broken in the same fucking way – e.g.: a design fault, but they are now trying to tell me that my roof is still water tight (bullshit, I have the water stains on the ceiling to prove it), yet it will take a professional 8 hours to fix. Um, moron, don’t tell me there’s nothing to fix and then tell me it will take someone a day to fix…Fix what? Oh that’s right, your shitty fucking tiles!
• The cabinet makers who installed the cupboards in my study. I didn’t realise not accurately measuring and cutting the wood so that it actually fit into the room was part of your job description…and no, I didn’t want to be able to open the door properly…why would I? By all means, please leave that desk in the way so I can’t open it… Oh and yes, I am “so happy” you took all of my money upfront before fucking up this little installation. I’m even happier that when you finally came back to fix it, you’d fucked it up yet again by not managing to measure it correctly…AGAIN.

 

September 19th 

PM2:

• Construction! Mother fucking construction. Everywhere I fucking drive there’s construction and stupid ass fucking detours that take me miles out of my way. Get your shit together and do your fucking job. This shit is going on forever! If I did my job as slow as you, I’d have been fired years ago. Fucking face punch!!!
• I’m obsessed with Outlander and have blown through all the episodes. I guess I’m face punching Outlander for not having more episodes and when I say more, I mean never-ending. I NEED another episode now and I’m VERY impatient! Watch out for my fist!
• My new work computer. Oh yes you are new and  lovely, but I hate the fucking touch pad mouse that doesn’t work like I want it to. I love my Mac and this fucking PC just isn’t standing up to it. I wanna beat you with my fists.

September 12th 

PM2: 

• Hubs B’s job again…he was out of town for the week and while I do enjoy my quiet time, it was wearing thin by the end of the week. I was ready to face punch myself, Mini 1, Mini 2 and Hubs B.
• Marshmallow fluff, I fucking hate marshmallow fluff and the person who thought it wise to claim it is great on sandwiches. This shit doesn’t fucking spread at all. It rips the bread up as I try to speed its stickiness on it. It’s a fucking disaster and huge ass mess. Face punch marshmallow fluff, you suck!

September 5th

PM2:

• The mosquito that decided it would be cool to bite my face and Mini 2’s face. Mother fucker…while I survived with a large welt on my forehead and nose that was pretty touch and go, it eventually went down. But poor Mini 2 woke up the next morning looking like Sloth from Goonies. Oh my god, it’s SO ugly! Swollen eyes looking like he’d gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. That fucking mosquito…I’m taking you and your whole fucking family down this weekend with a face punch courtesy of a yard fogger.
• The douche bag bigot who felt it was appropriate to voice their disgusting comments via email. I perform a public service at my job where I treat everyone equally and for you to request that you and others like you be treated differently (better than “those” people), is beyond my scope of understanding. You can get fucked in my opinion. Separate but equal ended, asshat. You deserve a hell of a lot more than a face punch so you’re getting off easy.
• Myself…Oh my fucking god. Why did I ever agree to watch someone’s puppy while they were out of town??? Big ass face punch. That little shit crapped all over my house despite taking him out a million times. He was exhausting. Never again. (I can’t face punch the puppy. He was so fucking cute.)

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August 29th

PM1:

• Myself, for not posting a face punch list last week…I don’t really have an excuse. Well I sort of do, but whatever, it’s still poor form, so I’ll give myself a face punch for it.
• The session chairs at the conference I was at today. Fucking seriously…timings are there for a reason you asshats. And your lame ass excuse of “oh this was such an interesting talk, I didn’t want to cut it short” are fucking pathetic. Have some respect for the other speakers in the session and the audience who were forced to not only sit there and listen to some idiot ramble on for-fucking-ever, but who also missed lunch as a result. For fuck’s sake.
• My fucking cat. Seriously, I have just about fucking had it with you. I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve pissed on the couch, but frankly it’s about a million fucking times too many. What the fucking fuck is your problem? You have a fucking awesome life, all you do is eat, sleep and play and you have a perfectly good place to shit and piss, which you mostly use. Why the fuck you continue to piss on my couch, knowing it pisses me the fuck off, is beyond me. Now, not only do I have to chuck my couch, I’m about to fucking chuck you too.

PM2:

Guess it’s a work-related shit show of a Friday.

• To work for making me stay until 9:00pm on Thursday. Are you fucking kidding me??? Like that isn’t bad enough, but then you make me perform like a fucking tap dancing circus monkey. You owe me and for that, you’re getting a face punch.
• To the bridge that is under construction on my way to and from work. Thanks for ruining my fucking morning AND my afternoon with your parking lot style traffic jam. Really fucking swell. Face. Punch.
• To the lady I manage to get behind every fucking morning. She drives one speed…40mph. It doesn’t matter if the speed limit is 25, she’s going 40. Not so bad when I’m behind her then, but when the speed limit is 55, she’s still going fucking 40!! The speed limits are not a fucking suggestion, you asshat. Push the fucking gas petal before I get out of my car and give you a punch.

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August 22nd

PM2:

• The monsoon that has ripped through about 2am for the last three days. Fucking hell! I think I’ve slept a total of six hours over the last three nights. It’s fucking brutal and I feel like I have a newborn all over again. Big ass face punch!
• My boss, who yesterday, legit scared me so fucking badly that I almost started to cry. Holy fucking shit! Thanks for that one…here’s my fist meeting your face.
• And lastly, myself. I deserve this. This is for letting my job stress me out for the last week and a half and taking it out on everyone else around. I’ve been a fucking trip to deal with. Here’s my face punch to knock my ass back to reality.

August 15th

PM2:

• Hubs B’s job for making him work late this week. Don’t they fucking know I’m back at work and exhausted and crabby and just plain bitchy. I need someone to complain to when I get home and with Hubs B gone all I have is Mini 1 and Mini 2 and they don’t give a shit. Not that Hubs B does either, but at least he’s gotten really good at fake listening to me. Hubs B’s job sorta always deserves a face punch because it makes him too busy.
• Work for serving one of the grossest fucking breakfasts I’ve eating since living in the dorm in college. Runny eggs are by far one of those things that grosses me out and makes me wanna gag. Welcome back, I’m punching you.
• To the website that had me jump through a million hoops in order to order one simple fucking thing. It was like writing a novel and when I finally finished, they had the fucking shipping address wrong still. But at least they were prompt on my irate email to them. So, I guess it’s just a tiny punch. That is until it get delivered to the wrong address. My faith in their ability to get this right is slim.
• Gotta add just one more because everyone loves a shit start to a Friday! To the gas pump that made me smell like I think Chris Farley looked in Tommy Boy after he reenacted that scene from Flashdance using gasoline. Some motherfucker spilled gas and not only did I step in it, but it was all over the fucking pump and now I stink. Fucking big ass face punch!!

PM1:

• Myself…for organising to go on a course for the whole weekend. I mean yes, it was useful, but really, what the fuck was I thinking? It’s the weekend. You don’t do anything on the weekend except fuck all and drink. At least I’m drinking after the course 🙂
• The fucking bird that sits out in the tree on my front lawn and fucking sings all fucking night. And by all fucking night, I mean from midnight until about 6am…you know, finally stopping around the the time when I’m usually getting up. Thanks a fucking lot bird, I love not sleeping to your wonderful “melody”…someone please hand me a bee bee gun.
• My work…just because, as usual, you suck ass.

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August 8th

PM1:

• Wednesday night Pilates for leaving me fucking sore. What the fucking fuck Pilates, you’re supposed to be making my neck and shoulder better, not making my whole body ache like a bitch. You can have a downward dog fucking face punch for that.
• People who say they’re going to do something and then proceed to do Sweet. Fuck. All. I am so fucking sick of your empty promises and your bullshit excuses. What makes all of this a million times worse is you are allegedly a fucking professional and this thing you’re supposed to be doing for me, is actually your fucking job. Jesus fucking christ, I wish to fuck I could just do my job whenever the fuck I felt like it (never) or miss deadlines without any repercussions, but no. Instead, I actually do what I’ve promised someone and get shit done on time and what do I get in return… Fucked over! Fuck you fuckers, you can all have a fucking face punch.
• The students taking this course I’m running. Holy sweet fucking jesus, could you please, at some point (quickly if you wouldn’t mind), grow a fucking brain. Simple shit, like enrolling for the course, shouldn’t be this hard. It’s not fucking brain surgery kids, it’s enrolment. And here’s a word of advice, if you can fuck that up, maybe you just shouldn’t be taking the course at all…it would sure as shit make my life easier. And probably save you all a face punch.

PM2:

• Work…you’re right around the corner and I already miss being home. Monday is going to be brutal and when I got that “Welcome Back” letter in the mail, I wanted to fucking sob like a baby and then give you a great big face punch.
• People who don’t respond to emails. Yeah…right now there is a specific person on my FPF and it’s because they are ignoring my request for service. Fine, if you don’t want my business, but you’re now getting a face punch, you fucker.
• Baker Square because they were out of apple pie. How the fuck is a pie store out of pie? Don’t these people know my irrational love of food or how irate I get about shit like this? I could devote an entire post it this. It was a rough night. (Hubs B says pie defies my instance that fruit isn’t a treat, he can piss off. <3 him.)

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August 1st

PM2:

• Work: I only have one more week left on my vacation and after this extended break, you deserve a face punch. It’s going to be a fucking brutal return.
• Pet Stores: Please for the love of fuck, stop carrying really adorable puppies. I’m face punching you because for the last week Mini 1 and Mini 2 have been begging for a dog. And fuck me, but I’m near caving!
• People who go all out celebrating their anniversary: FFS…Hubs B and I have been married ten years this month and both of us fucking forgot. Does it mean I don’t love him? Nope. All those professions of love and shit via FB make me think it’s all an act. Stop showboating your fab relationship and watch out for my fist.

PM1:

• My work. It’s just been one of those weeks for me this week, where every single fucking thing and every single fucking person has either; annoyed the shit out of me, fucked up, or just not done their fucking job. I’m fucking over it and to add insult to injury, I have to go to work on Saturday morning too. Fuck me.
• This cold I STILL have. Seriously, just fuck off already. How much snot can one fucking virus make?
• Photoshop…if anyone read my post about buying Photoshop (click here if you haven’t 🙂 ), then you’ll know what an ordeal that was. Well, nothing has fucking changed. And yes, I know, I could read some fucking instructions for a change, but you know what I say to that? Fuck no! I have done an online course though, and yes I did learn some things…but still. This shit is hard and for that, it’s getting a big fat fucking face punch.

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July 25th

PM2:

• To the person I exchanged at least 30+ emails with and still couldn’t get my point across. Trust me when I say you deserved a face punch at email number ten, yet I allowed it to continue. You’re not a professional and FFS, learn to read because every fucking time you asked me a question, it had already been answered in a previous email.
• Water parks, I find you completely disgusting and smelly and dirty and germ infested and gross, I could go on. But you deserve a face punch for being so fucking appealing to Mini 1 and Mini 2. I can’t say no them and for that you’re making the list.
• Construction on every fucking highway in the summer. You make going anywhere a fucking nightmare and then I encounter the dipshit drivers who troll along in the left lane at the speed of a snail and not only do I lose my shit but so does Hubs B. Get the fuck over before my fist meets your face.

PM1:

• This stupid fucking cold that’s knocked me on my ass and ruined my weekend.
• Hubs A’s work, for making him work all weekend.

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July 18th

PM2: The furniture store is on this list for multiple reasons and will be my only addition to the FPF list this week.

• First off, for making shitty ass products that you don’t stand behind. My fucking kitchen table is being replaced for the second time in nine months and all you can say is, “I’m so sorry ma’am. I completely understand your frustration and we’ll be happy to replace the product for you.” Stop reading off the fucking cue card in your cubicle, you fuckwit. I don’t want another fucking shitty table, I want my goddamn money back. And why don’t you bend over and I’ll show you where you can put the crappy table I purchased.
• Secondly because not only is the kitchen table I purchased from you a piece of shit, but so is my nightstand and this why my FPF this week will only consist of my furniture store rant. More than likely my bedroom furniture is all complete shit too, because it’s guilty by association. The nightstand it matches has a lovely warped lump right in the middle, which can only mean great things to come in the future. A new one will be arriving with its poorly constructed BFF, my kitchen table, on Sunday.
• Lastly, this punch goes out to the customer service operator who took my call. A conversation with you was like negotiating with a terrorist. Pointless! When your handy cue cards failed you, you talked in a circle for twenty minutes leading me to end the call with, “Send me a new fucking table and I’m never shopping with you again. Everyone I know is gonna know your products suck.” Expensive ass furniture…not worth the fucking headache. I’m going back to Ikea. I still have a fifteen year old particle board end table that looks brand new in my basement.

PS…yesterday a $100 gift card arrived in the mail from the furniture store with a handwritten apology letter. As much as I love free shit, they’re still walking away with multiple face punches.

PM1:

• My work colleague. As much as I’d love to name and shame, I am also a professional. You are however, still getting a fucking face punch for managing to annoy me twice in one day with your bullshit.
• Those fucking road works in the city…again. I mean Come. The. Fuck. On… For the love of fucking god, please just hurry the fuck up. Your lane closures and endless traffic cones and sign holders and other equally annoying shit just drives me insane. But it especially drives me insane on a Friday, a day which should be the most relaxing day of my week.
• To that zoo in Argentina who insists on keeping a polar bear alone in 40oC temperatures with nothing more than 35cm of warm water to cool down in. You people should be fucking ashamed of yourselves and your bullshit excuses for the bear being too old or too sick to be transported to a zoo in a better suited climate, are just that…BULLSHIT. You deserve more than a face punch, you deserve to be thrown into that poor polar bear’s enclosure and slowly mauled to death. Fucking assholes.

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  July 11th 

PM2: 

• A two-time inductee, my back pain. Yep, it’s about high time you fuck off. Enough said.
• The video game Minecraft gets a big fucking face punch for bringing on motion sickness and fucking migraine headaches. I don’t have fucking clue how to play it, let alone what the actual fucking point is. Maybe I’m just bitter because I didn’t invent a pointless shit show that’s like crack for kids.
• A tiny face punch to BFF, who I haven’t seen in almost four weeks. What the fuck? Only a tiny one because I love the shit out of her and it’s partially my fault.

PM1:

• To the road workers in the city. Look it’s bad enough that you are taking for-fucking-ever to finish constructing whatever monstrosity it is this week. But when I drive past and there’s one dude holding a sign, one dude digging a hole and 50 fucking dudes standing around shooting the shit, then I think you’re taking the piss. Come the fuck on, just do your job for a change.
• My UGGs, for losing two buttons in the space of about five minutes. All of which happened about a week after I bought them. What the fuck, they don’t make shit like they used to.

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July 4th – Happy 4th of July peeps!

PM1:

• My first face punch today goes to myself, for totes forgetting to post my face punch list last Friday. What can I say, it was a bad day (see next point) and I totally forgot. I definitely deserve a face punch for that one.
• Face punch number 2 goes to the gas station around the corner from my house. Thanks for providing us with what can only be described at the shittiest fucking “roof” ever installed in the history of the world. You’re the reason my Friday started off so shitastically last week when the piece of shit roof you have, provided zero coverage to the torrential rain that drenched me. It was bad enough that it was six-fucking-thirty in the morning, but to be soaking wet, my previously straightened hair now shot to shit, and my mascara running in rivers down my cheeks to complete the drowned panda look, I was still forced to go to work. Thanks for fucking nothing gas station. Next time I’m filling up, I’m face punching you.
• But my biggest face punch of all goes out to all the peeps I’ve seen headlining the news this week, with stories of animal hunting and torture. You people really deserve a face punch, followed by a punch in the c**t and then your gun, arrow or whatever, rammed up your ass and fired. You fucking disgust me.

PM2:

• The grocery store on July 3rd. The worst idea. Ever. I already hate the grocery store, so why I decided to go on July 3rd is beyond me.  Fuck me if it wasn’t a mob scene and filled with fuckwits. And they were pretty much sold out of everything. It’s the biggest barbecue holiday in the US and you’re sold out of brats? Face. Punch.
• The kids shooting off fireworks in the field behind my house. It’s only a matter of time before this “nature preserve” (aka, a field full of overgrown weeds) eventually goes a blaze and burns through my neighborhood like The Great Chicago Fire. Hey kids, yeah, that’s my fist meeting your face.

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June 27th

PM2:

• The techno version of the John Legend song All of Me. Thanks to whoever decided to set a good song to a techno club mix with far too much bass, essentially ruining it. I wanna punch the radio every fucking time it comes on.
• My fucking backache. Thanks for the reminder that I’m old, but you can be on your merry way now. Hurry, please or I’m gonna lose it and give you more than just a face punch.
• Facebook posters. Please for the love of fuck stop posting your marital woes on Facebook. And although they might be in a private group, no one and I mean no one wants to know how irregularly you get laid. You deserve a punch just for even thinking it’s appropriate for Facebook.

-Hey PM1, been thinking we really need to do an entire post on the loveliness that is Facebook. Whatcha say??

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June 20th 

PM2: I’m back and considering I missed a Friday, this one should be extra long, but I’ll keep it short. First, a shout out to my girl, PM1 for adding me to her FPF list. Sweet. <3 her. But back to the lucky ones who made it this week.

• Public transportation. Yep, I fucking hate it. 90% of the time it smells like BO and urine and people have absolutely no concept of personal space. I get that it’s crowded, but FFS get your stenchy armpit out of my face and your greasy hair off my arm. Gagging as I face punch you.
• Bagels and Cream Cheese. While you know I love food, I hate the fact that I buy a bag of bagels and a tub of cream cheese and I run out of cream cheese before the bagels are ever gone. Now I also get that I probably use far too much cream cheese, but two tablespoons as the suggested serving size. Girl, please. I’m facing punching food, but only a little because I love it too much.
• Inflatable pools. Why do you always have a fucking hole somewhere that I can’t seem to locate??? Hello summer, and inflatable pool, as you know, you got a hell of a lot more than a face punch when I had to blow you up for the third time. Lost my shit.
• And last one and this is just an update. Hubs B caught the offender of the dog shit in our yard. A golden retriever who takes man-sized dumps with an owner who clearly couldn’t give a fuck because she started to let her dog shit in our yard until Hubs B walked out and gave her the death stare. Nice one, hon.

PM1: It’s been a mostly good week for me, so mine is short and face punchingly sweet.

• The TV show Suits. Listen Suits, I’ve just spent a solid two weeks watching seasons 1, 2 and 3 of you. Now, season 4 finally starts and you expect me to watch an episode a week?? What the fuck? Step it up Suits, I need like 4 episodes a night. I’m going through Harvey withdrawals.
• Early mornings, because quite frankly, you suck and I have nothing more to say to you.

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June 13th

It’s Friday the 13th…Black Friday. It’s been one of those weeks and I’m flying solo too, so get ready, here we go…

PM1:

• My bank. Ok bank, I’m getting really sick of going to the ATM, withdrawing money and having you ask me if I’d like to “save this as my favorite transaction”. Because every fucking time you ask me, I tell you no, but every time I withdraw money, you insist on asking me the same fucking question. Stop it! I don’t want to save it as my favorite fucking transaction. Not now, not ever. But here’s a question for you, do you fancy a knuckle sandwich?
• My work, who for some stupid fucking reason, has decided that if I want the ability to store my work emails then I need to upgrade my work email storage space…and pay for it. Um, excuse me? This is my WORK email…why the fuck am I paying for more storage space, especially when it’s just to save work emails? Even fucking gmail gives it to me for free. In fact they give me 10 times the space for free. Fuck you work, have a face punch instead.
• PM2…oh, it was only a matter of time before you made this list PM2 and really, it’s only a teeny tiny face punch. And yes, in case you were wondering, it is because you’re on vacation and I’m stuck here at work, but whatever… 🙂

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June 6th

PM2:

• The dog shit in my front yard. Now I know I live next to an empty lot, so you think you’re entitled to let your dog shit, shit and shit some more in this vast field of emptiness where it just disappears. A few questions… Did you give your dog a property map so it knows exactly where my lot ends and the empty lot begins? Did you research this so that when your dog shits it lands perfectly in the empty lot? The answer is: no. Because the shit is in MY front yard and not in the empty lot. PICK UP YOUR FUCKING DOG SHIT! I’m sick of scraping it off my kids’ shoes! PS…I don’t know who “you” are, but trust me when I find out, you’ll be getting a hell of a lot more than just a face punch.

PM1:

• Peak hour traffic…and especially morning peak hour traffic. Frankly, you deserve a big fat fucking face punch, every day. I am so sick of you and all the moronic drivers, the constant stop-start, the grid-lock traffic jam…all of it SHITS me. The fact I have to endure it Monday to Friday, where it doesn’t matter what day it is or what time I drive in, it’s still shit, just shits me even more. I hate you peak hour traffic…huge, massive face punch.
• The creeper driver in peak hour traffic. You know, the idiot who leaves a 30 foot gap between his car and the one in front, even though we’re travelling at the very un-F&F style speed of about 1 mile/hour. WTF do you think you’re doing idiot, leaving some kind of buffer zone in case you need to stop suddenly? Here’s a heads up you dickhead, you could probably leave an inch gap and still stop in time because none of us is going anywhere….ahhhh, face punch fuckhead.
• The rubber-neckers, and especially the rubber-neckers in peak hour traffic. FFS you idiot, stop looking at all the random shit on the side of the road. Is a fucking traffic cone really worth slowing down for?? Face punch.

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May 30^th

These are pretty weak, but either way…it’s Friday!

PM2:

• The Kimye Wedding. Yep it’s still on here. Hopefully this fit of rage that hits every time I see something about them and their blown out of proportion wedding will pass soon. Or else I might make this whole shit show a permanent fixture on my Face Punch Friday. Am I the only one who remembers we indulged this whole situation a few years back with a different guy???
• Season Finales. I love TV, but I hate finales. It’s that time of year and everything I watch is now ending. I have no patience for waiting around for five months to find out what happens after a season ends with a cliffhanger. They frustrate me and make me want to throw some punches. But don’t worry; I’ll be back next season, because I’m fickle like that.
• Sneezing after immediately applying mascara. Now I know it’s allergy season, but for fuck’s sake, this seems to be a chronic problem. I’m tired of cleaning crusty black smears out from under my eyes every morning. I guess this means I plan on face punching myself. Oh well, I probably deserve it.

PM1:

• My cold. Ok cold, I get it…you’re torturing me. Yes I appreciated the days off work and extra reading time, but now you just won’t go away. Seriously, enough already.
• People who walk into shops, restaurants, work etc and just stop in the doorway for a chat. FFS people, have you suddenly had a brain fart and can’t work out why you’re here. Here’s a heads up, how about you get out of the fucking way and try working it out somewhere else.
• The Facebook update on my iphone 5….Fucking hell Facebook, you are getting beyond annoying. How about you stop telling me what stories you think I want to see in my feed and just let me decide. I don’t give a shit about some random post that 50 million people have managed to like and comment on, that’s not what I care about. And hiding the “most recent” option in the menu is a really shitty thing to do. Sort it out Zuckberg or you’re getting a face punch.

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May 23^rd

This week was ridiculously long and probably deserves its own face punch, but either way, happy Friday!

PM1:

• The flu I’ve caught. Thanks flu, you gave me extra reading time and three days off work…but I feel like shit, so you’re getting a face punch for that…but just a little one…because you know, you gave me extra reading time and three days off work.
• The Vampire Diaries….for that ending and not being back on TV till forever. I love you Vampire Diaries, you know I do…but now I have to sweat it out waiting for one of the best onscreen bromances of all time to be back together and for Elena to rescue Damon . Hurry up season 6, you know I’m impatient.
• Nina and Ian….for not being back together in real life already. Yes I’m aware this makes me kinda sad, but seriously…get back together…seriously.

PM2:

• It must have been a good week because shocker of shockers, only one thing has made my FPF. The Kimye Wedding (I can’t fucking believe I just typed that stupid hybrid nickname. That alone should be on the face punch list.) Who. Gives. A. Fuck. I don’t. Stop clogging up my Facebook and Twitter feeds and my daily reading of E! News with asinine updates about the venue, the date, the location, whether Beyoncé will attend, but best of all, how fat Robert Kardashian has gotten. It all deserves a face punch.

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May 16th  Fridays are great, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be face punch free.

PM1

• It’s been a good week this week, so I only have one addition to the Face Punch List. The café around the corner from my work. Thank you for the tasty Caesar salad, which I paid $13 for, for lunch. Thank you also for giving me a nice little dose of food poisoning, which subsequently left me unable to eat for 24hrs. While I appreciate the forced detox, I don’t appreciate feeling like complete shit.

PM2

• The obsessive caller is back on the FPF list. Four calls in an hour. Bitch, you’re crazy. FFS…I’m so over work. How long till I retire?
• The fucking spammer comments on PM’s blog. Your grammar is atrocious, you’re straight-up obnoxious and you just plain suck. Spam someone else’s blog with your dumb as fuck comments.
• Amazon Prime…sometimes I love you but most of the time I want to face punch the shit out of you. Each day you eliminate more movies and tv shows, yet you keep raising your rates. My smart (dumbass) tv won’t play anything through your app without buffering for ten minutes and then failing to start at all. I hate that spinning circle.

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 May 9^th

And it’s Friday again…Welcome to all the new recipients of a face punch from PM1 and PM2.

PM1

• Photoshop – because quite honestly, you are the most non-user friendly computer program I’ve ever come across. Yes, I know I haven’t read the manual or watched any help videos, but fuck me, every time I type a search topic in your “help” search bar, you come back with “no matches for your search”…seriously? Face punch Photoshop….
• Robo-vacuum. Look I’ll admit, nine times out of ten, you rock. You lose a point for insisting on trying to mount and clean the shag pile rug in my living room and getting stuck every time, but that, I can live with. What I can’t live with is you chiming in with your da da da dah announcement every time you connect with your docking station….especially when we have an electrical storm and the power cuts in and out, meaning you dock at 4am, then at 4:15am, 4:30am, 4:39am, 4:45am, 5am etc etc.
• To the cop who rides his motorcycle through the cars on the freeway during peak hour. Look dude…I know you’re trying to catch some douche doing something illegal…but the freeway is a parking lot…none of us can move, let alone get out of first gear…and all your intimidation tactics do is slow everyone down even more. Please….go catch someone actually breaking the law.

PM2

• This week I only have one visitor to my FPF and surprise, surprise… IT’S PM1!!! This lovely girl has found her way on here, but in a good way. She has done something that makes me want to scream at her, shake the hell out of her and then punch her in the face. (All of this out of love, of course.) Now, I love to read. LOVE IT. But recently, everything I read sucks and sucks really hard. PM1 sent me a book and it changed my whole view on reading. It made me remember what I love about books and characters and flawless storylines and impeccable writing. She made me have that feeling you get when you fall in love with a book. The one where you can’t stop reading, where you stay up till 2am and you cry and laugh and feel the pain and joy of the characters… you never want it to end. And for that, she makes my face punch list. (And because we don’t have a Squeeze the Shit out of You Saturday list.)

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May 2nd

Here are our latest additions to FPF and yep, it’s a day early because it’s been that kind of week. Enjoy!

PM1

• To the Car Sales Person who can’t remember Hubs A’s name…ever…even after writing it down…or discussing with him exactly why she can’t remember it, she STILL calls him by the wrong name. Face punch bitch, face punch.
• Moochers…which ties in with the Freeloaders I talked about 2 weeks ago. In fact this moocher is the freeloader, only now they’re back and trying to capitalize on my connections to promote themselves…even to the point of asking me to lie in order to do so. Fuck you Moocher, how about a face punch instead?
• Work. Because you always deserve a face punch, but especially when I have to come back to you after a 10 day break.

PM2

• To the shit on my backup camera. Every time I put my car in reverse you’re there, splattered and crusted to the camera. It’s gonna be a dry-heave face punch. So gross.
• To the fucking bird that managed to point its ass right at the backup camera on my car, leaving a disgusting shit blob right in the center. Impressive, yes, but entirely worthy of a face punch.
• To the rain that has been hanging around for days. It’s your job to clean the shit off my backup camera. Somehow a bird managed to shit on it, yet you can’t clean it off??? Wtf!!! Face. Punch.

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April 25th

It’s that time of the week again! Here’s our list of people and things that drove us crazy…crazy enough to make our Face Punch Friday list. It’s also Hubs B’s debut (something tells me it won’t be his last visit), PM1 is a cheeky bitch. 😉

PM2

• To the person in the blue Kia Spectra that drives ridiculously slow with their flashers on every fucking day at 3:05pm while I’m on my way home from work. Somehow I manage to end up behind this ass clown on a daily basis. I get that our winter sucked balls and there are potholes all over the road, but seriously??? Twenty-five in a fifty-five…FFS…speed it up! And btw…driving with your flashers on doesn’t make the fact that you’re driving well below the speed limit acceptable. Your stupidity has caused me to want to knock your teeth in. Welcome to my face punch list…make yourself at home. I think you’re gonna be here awhile
• To all those people who post annoying status updates on Facebook. Although you’ve made the Face Punch List this week, I have a feeling you’ll find yourself making semi-regular appearances in some capacity. But this week, I feel like face punching those people who profess their love for their spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever with things like, “Hubs just did the grocery shopping. He’s the sexist, hottest, most amazing husband ever. I love you so much, schmoopy-pie.” Which is usually followed up with an equally annoying amount of hashtags. “#besthubsever, #ilovehubs, #luckiestgirlintheworld, #sexyhubs.” Here’s mine… #fuckoff.
• Autocorrect on my iPhone. This son of a bitch makes me sound like a drunkard (although maybe sometimes I am), so it’s pretty often that I want to face punch it. “I love the cats on your penis.” Omfg!!! No! No! No! This is what my iPhone opted for when I was texting my BFF. I hate your fucking inner editor, you lame ass douche bag! Try autocorrecting that, asshat, while I smack you around a bit.

PM1

• Hubs B. You know why you’re here mister. When you start sprouting shit like Ben Affleck is potentially the worst Batman ever, even worse than those “pretend” Batmans wandering around Times Square, you’re getting a Face Punch, buddy. And like I said, as long as you continue to think like this, you’ll find yourself on my list. So settle in and get comfortable Hubs B, and let the face punching begin.
• The veiled Facebook status update. Yeah alright, I get it, you’re pissed off with someone or something and you’ve felt the need to let your 2000+ “friends” know all about it, but actually, not really. FFS, either shut the fuck up and sort your issue out in private like the grown up you’re supposed to be, or spell it the fuck out in your pointless status update. At least that way we can all laugh at, I mean help, you work it out. This isn’t fucking high school idiot and nobody likes your bullshit attempts at trawling for sympathy.
• Car Salesmen/women. Look, I’m not a dumb ass alright. Your bullshit statements about this being “the lowest price ever”, “ridiculously cheap”, “priced to clear”, “won’t last the day”, “our dealer’s car of choice”, mean nothing to me. I know they’re all complete crap, just like you suddenly remembering that you have “a buyer in another state who’s really keen on this car and is about to make an offer.” Do I look like a fucking idiot? No. The only idiot here is you, for expecting me to believe this shit.

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April 18th

It’s Good Friday and in keeping with things that are good, we’ve decided to start a regular post we’ve dubbed, Face Punch Friday. Every Friday we’ll post a list of stupid/ridiculous/annoying things that have occurred throughout our week. Basically things that make us want to face punch someone or something.

PM2:

• Snow in April. I’m from the Midwest, something I question regularly, so to wake up to snow when I should be frolicking in fields of flowers, totally makes me want to punch Old Man Winter in his stupid, wrinkled face.
• To the lady who called me nine fucking times over the course of two days. Yes, I realize it’s my job to appease you, but for fuck’s sake, nine times?? There is nothing in the world so pressing that it requires that many useless phone calls. Please enjoy a black eye courtesy of me.
• The post office on tax day. Now the PO makes my face punch list when it isn’t tax day, but oh, the crazy rage that builds while I wait in line is unreal. (Now, I know I waited until the last minute to take care of this situation, but I’m an expert procrastinator. More on that later.) Why is only one person working??? I know the government pays you a shit-ass wage and all, but this day isn’t a surprise. No mystery here. No one stops by the PO on a whim and announces, “Good morning! Surprise, muthafuckers! Today is tax day! I hope you’re prepared for the barrage of customers that are about to storm the doors!” *Insert shocked face on the poor old dude working the counter that day* Please for the love of everything, PO, get your shit together.

 PM1

• Freeloaders. Look, I get that you’re either too stupid or lazy to do something yourself, but for the love of fuck, don’t suddenly pretend to be my friend, after weeks or months of not talking to me, just so you can get me to do something that you basically can’t be bothered to do yourself. At least have the decency to actually admit you have no idea, or are just too lazy, otherwise the only thing you’re getting off me, is a punch in the face.
• The person who keeps calling my office phone, looking for my former co-worker, who left 5 fucking years ago. What, you didn’t get the message the first fifty million times I told you he’d left? Am I not saying it loud enough for you? For fucks sake, please update your records or I’m marching over to wherever you are and punching you in the face.
• Fuckhead drivers. Yes you dipshit, you know who you are. You’re the idiots who sit on the freeway, well below the speed limit and refuse to move over to the slow lane. And somehow, to add insult to injury, like some fucking idiotic karmic homing device, you always manage to do this alongside two other fuckhead drivers, also sitting well under the speed limit, taking up the other two lanes and creating an impenetrable wall of fuckheadedness. For fucks sake, unless you want my car up your ass and my fist in your face, please move the fuck over…some of us have somewhere to be.