Archives for October 2015

Parents, They’re Liars: Part 2


Or maybe I’m the only one who lies to their kid…

A while back I wrote about how I lie to my children. Well, as the Halloween holiday approaches, I’ve realized I’ve told a pretty big fucking lie and it’s gonna come back to bite me in the ass.

I have to give a bit of backstory in order to understand what kind of shit storm I’ve created with what I thought was a small, insignificant little white lie.

Back when Mini 1 was about two and a half, Hubs B and I took him trick or treating for the first time and he couldn’t have been more thrilled with the idea of getting shitloads of free candy. Not exactly at first though… I crammed his screaming ass into a monkey costume and carried him from house to house. The first house was our neighbor, who proceeded to basically dump her entire night’s haul of candy into Mini 1’s bag. Un-phased, he kept howling, while Hubs B carried him to the next house, where the same thing happened—lovely elderly neighbor equals tons of candy and by the third house, it was the same situation. Mini 1 had the haul of an entire night of trick or treating, gathered with stoppage at only three houses. This was when he realized what was in his bag. He proceeded to gorge himself on candy until Hubs B and I took it away. This was where the screaming began again. I vowed he’d never accumulate enough candy to put a horse into a diabetic coma again. So, here comes the lie. (I might just be a horrible parent or an evil genius…idk.)

The next year, I began telling Mini 1 about this goblin, called the Boo Goblin that loves to eat your Halloween candy in exchange for a toy. (Mini 1’s grandma had bought him that stupid Elf on the Shelf the year before, so he was all about shit like that. FYI, I suck at that Elf and should probs do a post about that fucking asshole.) He seemed interested, so I went on to tell him that we could still go trick or treating and collect candy and he’d be able to keep ten pieces, but he’d have to give the rest to the Boo Goblin. He still seemed game, so I ran with it. I explained that if he put all his candy outside on our porch, the Boo Goblin would come along, eat the candy, and be so happy he’d throw up a toy. Again, no complaints from Mini 1 and the Boo Goblin was created.

He talked about it for days leading up to Halloween, mind you, he was only three and half then, so I figured what harm could come from it. I bought a crappy toy at the checkout line of Meijer, Hubs B put Mini 1 in the bathtub after a night of trick or treating and the candy went out on the porch, and the Boo Goblin was born. He “ate” the candy, left the shitty toy and Mini 1 didn’t consume a vomit-inducing amount of candy.

Fast forward several years and that fucking goblin still exists, but now that dickhead is bring Legos and shit for two kids! Motherfucker, this lie is a disaster, and I’m almost certain Mini 1 knows it’s a lie, but he’s fucking with me. He won’t give in and tell me because he’s concerned about his toy gathering going out the window.

And to think, it all started because he was my first kid and I was concerned about his health. Poor Mini 2, he got the shit end of the stick. If I had it to do over again, I’d say, “Gorge yourselves, kiddos! You’re too damn skinny anyway!”

On a side note…where does all that candy Mini 1 and Mini 2 collected go??? Oh, trust me it never goes to waste!



Do I get an A for just showing up?


So I know it’s been a long time since we posted anything. I’d like to say life got in the way, but really, I’ve just been lazy as shit…One thing that has happened however, is I (PM1), got a new job. This was a big step for me, actually going for a job interview and leaving my old job after 15+ years, but that’s not what this post is all about. No this post is about the funny/WTF things I have encountered through my new job.

Namely…the students.

Fuck me, these guys are simultaneously the bane of my life and the single most funniest part of my day. And I’m talking grown up, university level students here too, so you know, theoretically they should have some clue about life, right? Wrong… For one thing, these guys think it’s totally ok to rock up to a 2 hour lab and inform me that they need to leave after 30 mins because they have to work that night. Um, come again? You want to leave a lab at 2.30pm because you have to work that night? Where the fuck are you working? Somewhere that involves a passport and international travel? And just for the record kid, I actually work Monday through Friday, all day…novel I know, but also the real world…get used to it.

Then there’s the kid who shows up for a 3 hour lab, does a bit of work and then after an hour a half, informs me that he’s leaving because, and I quote, “he’s gotta work tonight, so he thought he might just take it easy today.” Um, WTF? You’ve spent a solid 1.5 hours here buddy and you want to leave now so you can “take it easy”. You know there are actually more things for you to do in this lab and by leaving early, you’re not only putting yourself behind, it means you’ll have less time to correct your future fuck-ups. Not to mention that the work you should be staying to do isn’t exactly taxing. But no, the kid just informs me he really thinks he should take it easy before leaving and, I’m guessing, spending the rest of the day at the pub.

But karma can be a real bitch and when this kid rocked up the following week for his lab…not only was he indeed behind, he then proceeded to waste nearly 2 hours trying to pH a buffer he should have made last week, with the cap still on the pH meter. After I informed him that he had just spent the last 2 hours checking the pH of the inside of the pH meter, he just looked at me and said “I should’ve stayed last week, shouldn’t I?”

Yes, you fucking should have, buddy. Yes you fucking should have 🙂